We troll the night looking for the next hook-up. Call us sexual vultures because that’s who we are. — Dellia, Generation Z
Swingers!
Roger “Roj” Emocle is ninety but looks much younger. His thick hair laps his forehead in a messy wave of white tendrils. He still lives at home, and after arranging it with his grandson, we agreed on a Zoom call to talk about swinging.
Couple swinging.
“In the Air Force, stationed in California, we all did it,” he tells me, “we’d have parties, wild-wild west ones, and at the end of the night we’d just wind up with each other’s wives.”
“What about later?” I asked.
Roger squints into the screen. This is probably his first Zoom, I think, but he later would tell me he Zooms with his family.
“In the 1970s and on it was a popular thing. Not for me. I settled down then, after my first divorce.”
Sexual experimentation via partner swapping and other taboos is nothing new. In the 1950 and 60s, Air Force pilots — like Roger — traded wives like baseball cards, and later, movies and books portrayed the era with memorable scenes (leaving keys in a bowl at a cocktail party, etc.).
Roger squinted again and massaged his neck. Comfort gestures. I sensed he wasn’t completely comfortable with our topic.
“I guess you can say that it became a chore. The jealousy between everyone.” Roger paused and titled his head to someone offscreen. He moved his face closer. “I realized I missed having that one person. One person to depend on.”
Roger’s response surprised me at first. He agreed with the sacred creed of a singular monogamy. Yet, he was from a different generation, a generation that coveted it. As you’ll see, this generation disagrees. Or does it? But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Blast Off
Earlier this year, a CEO client of a startup asked me to work on a project with her. The subject? Research for a dating app she was developing. While I often work with many entrepreneurs and venture capitalists on various startups (IGIA is one I’m proud to be part of), I’ve never been involved with a dating app startup.
The CEO is a witty, infectious young woman whose goal is to change the dating app algorithms to be more conducive to fetish-focused sexual freedoms. Sound familiar? Bumble and did Tinder did just that with a hook-up focus of a younger demographic.
My client was not interested in mainstream applications catered to monogamous, straight Anglo-Saxon men and woman. No, friends, this was swipe right for threesomes and dirty, kink-riddled sexual Dungeons and Dragons sandwiched with Game of Thrones.
“Eli” has a child-like voice with an aluminum timbre, and I’d never place her as a CEO. “I want you to research the dating platform, Feeld,” she told me. “I’m particularly interested in how retro swinging and polyamory culture applies to current relationships and dating.”
According to their website, Feeld is “a dating app for the curious, made for more meaningful connections.” The website even has its own magazine with titles such as “Fireworks! Blast-Off! A Sense of Heat in Her Brain!”, and “What is Pansexuality?”
People are addicted to overstimulation. It’s a distraction, a detraction from more real relationships, turning to something more virtual than real. — John, a Silicon Valley CEO
While some millennials disagree with hookup culture and support monogamy, others see it differently. Today, as evidenced on Feeld, Millennials and Gen Z view monogamy in bold ways — and it’s women who are driving the sexual taboo craze. They are choosing their partners and “significant” others — and exploring entire colonies of sexual liberties.
The younger generation is aware of the history of swinging — and like vinyl records and anything retro — they are bringing back the past with a youthful vengeance. Except, unlike a trip to the record store, they are using web sites like Feeld to form communities of, well, swingers with a caveat: groups include pansexuals (or omnisexual), bi and bi-curious, demisexual, and the list goes on.
According to recent polls, most dating app users (50%) are between the ages of 18 and 29, with Generation Z leading the way. For Zs, dating apps are social media dynamite, a hormone-scrolling nirvana where “likes” or chat messages feed dopamine-riddled brains for a coffee meetup, sex hookups, or a quick tryst in Shibari.
The sexual Richter scale for college students is peaking with peculiar discretions. Studies show that 71% of today’s college students won’t brag about a regular sexual partner, but 84.5% will talk endlessly about how much casual sex they are having with a friend or random person. As evidenced by Feeld, younger generations are not only having more sex, but they are having it differently.
For high school students, it’s another story. According to the 2024 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, 70.7% of boys and 69.4% of girls reported never having sexual intercourse.
Why the sexual deviance in college? Some sociologists say helicopter parenting might have something to do with it, and I agree (for God’s sake, let your kid draw what she wants on the sidewalk).
After spending some time navigating the Feeld site, I understood why Eli had asked me to focus on Feeld. While I cannot reveal much more about her app idea, surmise it to say it’s based on the kinky premise that folks out there in the dating universe have secrets — and many kinks — that they want to explore. And this is precisely what Feeld’s concept is: men and women expressing their deepest sexual fantasies with other like-minded souls.
While the age group demographic on Feeld is mostly millennials and Gen Z, it includes forty and older. It’s clear that the younger generation embrace sexual diversity, yet user profiles show a common trait: a commandery voice led by shrewd, albeit angry, young women.
Don’t Do Anything Stupid
Feeld has a User Profile and a Desires and Interests section — here you tell the world about yourself and list your fetishes and desires. Usually there is at least one picture, but others are private until both parties agree to connect.
The first post I discovered was by a woman in her early thirties called MermaidDOM. Her picture was innocent enough. She looked like a young, professional woman. But no, MermaidDOM was so much more and I hope I never cross paths with her.
Listen up, dicks. I do not believe in monogamy, especially for women. I am promiscuous because I can be. I will never be faithful to you. I will go on vacation without you. I will send you pictures and videos of my good time, or even call you while I’m having it. And you will be locked up for your own good while I’m away, so you don’t do anything stupid. Yes, it isn’t fair. I don’t have to be fair. Understand that I am a DOM and I am in control. My philosophy is that men fall into two categories: worthless imps or more worthless imps. Which one are you? I can’t wait to slap your ass with a chain.
Listed in MermaidDOM’s Desires were DOM, BDSM, switch, watching, mmf, fff, mfm, ff, bondage, brat, couples, groups, three-way, and rough.
The next profile, hurtsogood69. 29, was even more malicious. Her picture showed an attractive, pale, purple-haired woman dressed in leather holding a thick steel hatchet.
I’m authentic and I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Consider yourself lucky that you’re even reading this, because you may never get the chance to meet me in the flesh of whatever warped fantasy you got in your head. If you are on here claiming people aren’t real you should probably take the time to find out first instead of assuming I have the time or desire to pick on some random guy. You think way too much of yourself if you feel that most people have this idea in mind. Please take that low grade, low-class attitude away from me. Best of luck to all of you. I genuinely wish happiness for everyone, even if it isn’t with me.
Well, the hatchet explained it all. And hurtsogood69’s desires? romance, BDSM, DOM, Shibari, MMF, cuddling (wow, I didn’t see that coming).
We really feel like the first step to embracing the post-dating world and having a great time and finding love within it is just accepting that basic premise that all the rules are off. — Coale, 30
Then there are the polyamorous/polyamory communities of young, professional women. Often known as Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CSM), it includes “ethical” consensual relationships involving multiple partners. It’s essentially an upgraded version of swinging with deeper emotional connections.
I think the practice of ENM says a lot about the emotional band width of society. It’s a seeking for more of what might be missing from an existence. Perhaps it’s rooted in a childhood devoid of attention or parents that didn’t stay together — whatever the reasons, profiles on Feeld screamed attention.
Take this profile, for example, of lovebutton99, 25:
Desires: DOM, bondage, switch, poly, MMF, BDSM, FFF, couples, watching, latex
I’m a Pagan, married-poly, pansexual, demisexual, kinky switch looking for my poly girlfriend/lover. If you’re interested in my husband, text him — we play solo. My other lover boy is traveling, so I need some fun n fulfillment and attention. I swing like they used to so be open, man. I’m kinky and lean service top and I’m learning rope tying.
The polyamorous theme extended to every race. There were the married, buxom, African American women looking for colonies of skinny white guys. Take chocolateneedsluv3, 32, a beautiful, purple-lipsticked diva dressed in black boots that went almost to her hips, with a colonial-styled dress with enough frills to appease any Downton Abbey fan:
Desires: switch, three-way, DOM, BDSM, MMF, FFF, couples, watching, rough, latex
Partnered but looking for extra lovin. I just love me some popsicle stick vanilla on the side, especially ones that need a guide to sandwiching some coco buns. Not looking to host. I swing from every tree and like licking every drop. I got whips n chains if you don’t like bruises keep swiping.
He Doesn’t Own Me
What surprised me most — aside from the vast sexual proclivities — were the numbers of polyamorous youth. Many, as seen in the profiles, were married or partnered, yet seeking additional “families.”
Studies show a billowing interest and acceptance of polyamory relationships in the younger generation. The Pew Research Center showed that 19% of Generation Z experienced polyamorous relationships, with millennials and Generation X not far behind at 10% and 7% respectively.
To help me make sense of the ENM philosophy — and perhaps to help me understand the mindset of sexual liberties in younger generations, and maybe, to help pacify my growing disquietude of our future — I spoke with twenty-seven-year-old woman who asked me to keep her profile private. I’ll call her Fran. I asked her to tell me about her experience with polyamorous relationships, even though, at 27, her experience and expertise on marriage were lacking.
F: I’m a married woman, and I asked my husband for an open marriage. We practiced ethical non-monogamy (ENM) early in our marriage and discussed it before we got married. I don’t believe one person can fulfill every need for decades as we grow and change.
Me: So you don’t believe in monogamy with one person is sustainable?
F: Expecting that is unrealistic, and it’s one reason many marriages don’t last. I think it also leads to resentment in relationships. Love isn’t exclusive to one person. I got married because it’s the best way to raise children, but marriage doesn’t mean ownership. He doesn’t own me, and I don’t own him. This isn’t just about sex, either. I see monogamous couples stifling each other, even preventing platonic friendships with the opposite sex. Why should a monogamous relationship mean I can’t make male friends? How many people in monogamous marriages are secretly cheating because they’re stuck in sexless, stagnant relationships, or they’ve simply grown apart, craving new experiences their partner can’t provide?
Me: Ownership? I don’t think many couples enter a marriage and call it “ownership.” It’s not slavery. And plenty of healthy relationships accept different friendships. Yes, cheating exists, but many relationships can discuss such things on a wholesome level before things escalate.
F: Not that I’ve seen. Many people stay trapped in loveless, monogamous marriages out of habit. Monogamy works for some, but it’s not the only option if both partners agree. Why should you have to choose between two people you love? If everyone is honest and comfortable, why not embrace love in its many forms?
I agreed with the concept of freedom of choice. Habit? I think she means traditions or conventions. Yes, in some older generations, it’s considered a “habit,” a belief in loving one person and accepting the covenant of marriage because your parents did.
While Fran lamented that married partners who don’t have the same interests should have a choice — whether that includes dancing with someone who likes to dance, or going to the opera with those who espouse it — I’m not sure I agree. After all, isn’t is what yin and yang are all about? It’s what makes relationships so interesting. I had a conversation with another young ENM woman, “Lori,” 32, who had a different take on it.
Lori: Yes, I’m married but we practice ENM. Is it smooth sailing all the time? No. Sometimes it sucks. Right now, I have three men I currently see, one when he’s in town, and the others live in my city, then there’s my husband. It really comes down to communication. In a monogamous relationship, that communication is with one person. In mine? It can be three or four people at the same time. If one — just one person — does not make himself clear in intention or honesty, then it all goes bullocks up. Sometimes my head spins. The jealousy. Is it easier than a monogamous relationship? No. It takes work. Do I enjoy my freedoms? Yes. Do I sometimes think loving more than one person is too much? Yes. I’ve just never been a one-person, romantic person, you feel me?
Lori’s comment about jealousy reminded me of what Roger had said earlier:
I guess you can say that it became a chore. The jealousy between everyone.
And in all of this? Perceptions of sexuality warp because we believe they have, even when nothing shifted from a previous generation. Psychologists and mental health experts don’t know what to make of the skewed percentages and data. And they didn’t understand the data back then. Nontraditional sexual relationships have existed throughout history, woven into the textures of the human zeitgeist. Why is this generation any different?
In a world of technology-based dating and endless digital stimulation of porn and video games, where young men and women have so many options, therapist Lair Torrent said it best. “The hookup culture is a real problem for folks who are trying to transition out of that into something more exclusive.”
And I think it’s the same for every desire, but it’s also the aspiration of every relationship — to discover a way to thrive and progress. If that’s with an ENM community or a singular monogamous relationship, then so what?
Every generation should have the same sexual freedoms as the last, and everyone should dare to love who they want.
I asked Roger what he thought of the current generation’s view of swinging.
“It’s the wild-wild west,” he says. “And we started it.”
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